Horoscopes
By: Misty Whitaker and Lexis Wilson
Aries- During an alpine skiing competition, one of the skiers is
going to run you over, circle around, and run over you again.
Taurus- In four years, you will compete in the Biathlon section
of the Olympics. But be careful not to shoot the Yeti. His
family depends on him, and they will eat your face to get
revenge.
Gemini- There’s a reason chickens don’t cross roads. You should
take the initiative to be a little more chicken. It will keep
you from crossing in front of a bobsleigh and having your inside
squished out the top of your head.
Cancer- You need to get a better hobby. The big kids are going
to beat you up for curling.
Leo- All of you guys out there, we know it’s your life’s dream
to be a male (Or female, we won’t judge) figure skater. Pursue
it! You’ll get to swim in a pile of money!
Virgo- Free-style skiing is for people who can’t pull off real
sports. Maybe you should try it.
Libra- A hockey player is going to hit the puck to hard and
knock you in the head, cracking your skull.
Scorpio- A luge competitor will slap you in the face when you
walk by.
Sagittarius- Don’t let your friend jump you on skis…
Capricorn- When you skate the short track, don’t put your hands
behind your back. Hold them out and catch yourself.
Aquarius- Don’t let your friends use you as their skeleton
board. Pretty soon, that’s all you’ll be.
Pisces- Throwing a banana in front of a speed skater won’t work.
But you’ll go to jail for attempted murder…
Horoscopes
By: Misty Whitaker and Lexis Wilson
Aries- Since you bragged so much on the moon,
the sun will shoot fireballs of
hatred at you out of jealousy.
Taurus- When you get mad and break your pencil
today, a splinter of wood will
stab you in your whaggle. (Element of excess
skin on elbow. What did you think I meant?!)
Gemini- 35 Bumble bees will burst out of a
hornet’s nest when you interrupt their
party. Now Helga is thinking twice about your
date.
Cancer- You will invent an ingenious machine
that squeezes the juice out of
bananas.
Leo- In the
jungle, The mighty jungle, The lion sleeps tonight, Eh-Wemoweh,
Eh
wemoweh, Eh-Wemoweh,
Eh-wemoweh… and never wakes up… -gives you a soap opera stare…-
Virgo- I bet when you were carelessly
frolicking through the forest, and stepped
on the mushrooms, you didn’t give it a second
thought. Well now the smurfs are after you, seeking revenge for
killing all of their children. Yeah that’s right. It was a school
you stepped on! They’ll be waiting inside your house when you get
home. Best of luck… baby killer…
Libra- After a football game, your significant
other will be high on life and pour a
bottle of Gatorade on your head. Too bad it was
blue and you just died your hair blonde.
Scorpio- While you or your boyfriend are eating
a pretzel, a pixie will cover you in
dust and turn you into an award winning rock
star shoe.
Sagittarius- In a rubix cube competition, a
ringworm will hack into your computer
sending all of your personal info to the world…
I know what you did last summer… You… You… You fudge eater!
Capricorn- Rednecks are going to throw candy
corn at you while on horseback.
Lucky for you, you have a rubber snake and
startle the horse.
Aquarius- I think you’ve played too much Mario.
That turtle you just stepped on
did nothing to you. Sure, it was 100 times
bigger than the one on the TV screen, but so are you. You can also
stop searching for pink music blocks that take you to heaven.
Pisces- An unknown country is sending ferret
bombs. That’s right. Ferrets with
soon be “reigning” down upon you. Only you, for
it will be in your bedroom solely.