Southwestern Warrior News!

Horoscopes

By: Misty Whitaker and Lexis Wilson

Aries- During an alpine skiing competition, one of the skiers is going to run you over, circle around, and run over you again.

Taurus- In four years, you will compete in the Biathlon section of the Olympics. But be careful not to shoot the Yeti. His family depends on him, and they will eat your face to get revenge.

Gemini- There’s a reason chickens don’t cross roads. You should take the initiative to be a little more chicken. It will keep you from crossing in front of a bobsleigh and having your inside squished out the top of your head.

Cancer- You need to get a better hobby. The big kids are going to beat you up for curling.

Leo- All of you guys out there, we know it’s your life’s dream to be a male (Or female, we won’t judge) figure skater. Pursue it! You’ll get to swim in a pile of money!

Virgo- Free-style skiing is for people who can’t pull off real sports. Maybe you should try it.

Libra- A hockey player is going to hit the puck to hard and knock you in the head, cracking your skull.

Scorpio- A luge competitor will slap you in the face when you walk by.

Sagittarius- Don’t let your friend jump you on skis…

Capricorn- When you skate the short track, don’t put your hands behind your back. Hold them out and catch yourself.

Aquarius- Don’t let your friends use you as their skeleton board. Pretty soon, that’s all you’ll be.

Pisces- Throwing a banana in front of a speed skater won’t work. But you’ll go to jail for attempted murder…

Horoscopes

By: Misty Whitaker and Lexis Wilson

Aries- Since you bragged so much on the moon, the sun will shoot fireballs of

hatred at you out of jealousy.

Taurus- When you get mad and break your pencil today, a splinter of wood will

stab you in your whaggle. (Element of excess skin on elbow. What did you think I meant?!)

Gemini- 35 Bumble bees will burst out of a hornet’s nest when you interrupt their

party. Now Helga is thinking twice about your date.

Cancer- You will invent an ingenious machine that squeezes the juice out of

bananas.

Leo- In the jungle, The mighty jungle, The lion sleeps tonight, Eh-Wemoweh, Eh

wemoweh, Eh-Wemoweh, Eh-wemoweh… and never wakes up… -gives you a soap opera stare…-

Virgo- I bet when you were carelessly frolicking through the forest, and stepped

on the mushrooms, you didn’t give it a second thought. Well now the smurfs are after you, seeking revenge for killing all of their children. Yeah that’s right. It was a school you stepped on! They’ll be waiting inside your house when you get home. Best of luck… baby killer…

Libra- After a football game, your significant other will be high on life and pour a

bottle of Gatorade on your head. Too bad it was blue and you just died your hair blonde.

Scorpio- While you or your boyfriend are eating a pretzel, a pixie will cover you in

dust and turn you into an award winning rock star shoe.

Sagittarius- In a rubix cube competition, a ringworm will hack into your computer

sending all of your personal info to the world… I know what you did last summer… You… You… You fudge eater!

Capricorn- Rednecks are going to throw candy corn at you while on horseback.

Lucky for you, you have a rubber snake and startle the horse.

Aquarius- I think you’ve played too much Mario. That turtle you just stepped on

did nothing to you. Sure, it was 100 times bigger than the one on the TV screen, but so are you. You can also stop searching for pink music blocks that take you to heaven.

Pisces- An unknown country is sending ferret bombs. That’s right. Ferrets with

soon be “reigning” down upon you. Only you, for it will be in your bedroom solely.